Men's Mental Health

Growing up playing baseball. When I took a ball off the shin, my teammates and coaches shouted, "Don't rub it!" I hated that! Rubbing my leg and acknowledging the pain made it feel better, but what did I do? I walked it off like a man. I just heard these shouts at one of my teammates again yesterday.

One of the more interesting things I've learned on my mental health journey is that all brains & nervous systems get the same emotional signals or information. For example, if we break our toe, we hurt. However, when we experience pain, we do not all express or recognize it similarly. As a man, acknowledging “I need mental health help” can be far more challenging than saying, “I have a broken bone.” Yes, one is often easier to hide, but much of this concerns socialization.

I will focus on the United States as a Society since it is the one I know best.

Let's look at a few foundational pillars of how our society formed.

Much of Western society has formed in patriarchal fashions, meaning men built or think we built much of what they see today. Historically, being a "man" has often meant not showing your weakness, aka needs or dependence on others. For every successful man we look up to as a society who doesn’t show his needs, there are usually countless people supporting his success that he may or may not want to acknowledge.

There are also weird religious factors at play. Some Christianity leads to vulnerability, acknowledging weakness, and helping the hurting, while other strains of our national banner faith lead to secrecy, hiding your mess, and looking down on others who remind you of your shadows. I can think of far too many pastors who struggle secretly for fear of losing everything. It's so much easier to look away from pain and needs than it is to face it.

So why did I use these previous examples? Because we are all formed by our society and culture, our society or culture shows what it values by what it often elevates: success and looking like everything's perfect. The idea of having to have it all together is toxic.

So, to answer your question, Why Doesn't Society Care about Men's Mental Health Issues like They Should? For a long time, exploring your inner pain wasn't an option unless you were very wealthy and in a stable place in life, but no matter the circumstance, vulnerability is risky. In that void of being able to talk about problems, people found other options, such as consumerism and addiction. Most often, men had to push down the pain. So now we are working backward. (I made a collection of men’s mental health shirts to help fight the stigma!)

Many social messages say expressing emotions or seeking help is not ok. We must see these lies for what they are: ideas that have outlived their usefulness. In a way, much of the current mental health stigma formed in eras when it may not have been in people's best interest to express their feelings. War comes to mind as an example of this. I often work with teenagers or younger boys who are afraid to admit they have problems. Being willing to wrestle with your mental health is often a step in the growing-up process.

When we are in survival mode, we often have no choice but to hold it all together, but that can come at a cost. I have personally seen my body break down & my family suffer from my unexpressed (& unexplored) emotional realities. Yes, in hindsight, there was depression and anxiety, along with these unintended consequences of emotional repression. But we are starting to have the option to talk to someone about our struggles. Mental health access and stigma are radically shifting. It's beginning to be ok for men to go to therapy.

Talking about our feelings is difficult, but it is worth it. Having gone to therapy, I can confidently say I am mentally healthier now than I have ever been.

As I was writing this, this quote by my friend Justin McRoberts came to mind: "Far worse than believing I am beyond help is believing I am above the need for it." This quote struck a nerve. Society might not care for us like it should, but it comes down to responsibility. If we know we have a problem with our thoughts, feelings, or emotions, it's our job as men to seek a solution.